Bully for you.
Now, perhaps my irrational irritation at the happy person ensconced inside may have something to do with the fact that my personal, professional, and psychological well being all kind of suck right now. I'm happy to report that I did not want to do bodily damage to CONTENT whoever they may be (tinted windows protected their identity) but I won't deny happy thought of being in a super bumper car and having a go at them.
But why is BMW so content?
Is it because they are happily rolling in so much dough they can afford to buy a vanity plate that screams their financial stability and the comfort they derive from it?
Perhaps.
Is it because their significant other showers them with love and affection and they have a loving family that is usually piled in the car driving to unknown functions and events all happily singing a long to the Disney radio station?
Maybe.
Could they live alone in an apartment studio and fly around the country every week to foreign places, constantly trying new things and having daily adventures, leaving CONTENT waiting patiently in Terminal A?
Could be.
It could be a combination of those things. It could be a constant reminder of something they lost or something they hope to gain. I like to think they have some sort of faith in God and his workings and are content with his plan for them.
Which got me thinking about my relationship with God/Allah/Buddah/Mother Earth.
I don't really have one.
And maybe that's why I've been so lost lately, trying to figure things out and feeling like there is no absolute way I can make it through another day of being so completely unsure of things. Maybe I just need to turn to faith and just believe in something since I can no longer believe in myself.
Because this morning when I got that final rejection email plus those subconscious whisperings known as dreams about the very person I'm trying to leave behind, I started to cry. That's right, folks. I cried. Not shocking, I'm a highly emotional kid but right as I started, I looked up and asked "Why?"
I don't really think I was expecting an answer and I certainly didn't get one.
But I had friends the rest of the day, I had people volunteer to help me, I didn't have any rude guests or any moment where I wanted to scream- my day would have been actually quite pleasant if not for the inner turmoil that shone out of me like a flickering light.
So maybe the answer was to just keep living- keep going at things that bruise you. Maybe I'm supposed to learn how to handle rejection a certain way before I get an opportunity, maybe I'm supposed to learn how to love myself before someone else does and maybe I'm supposed to be able to look up and ask questions every once in a while without feeling like some kind of cheat.
Maybe CONTENT was the answer to my question this morning.
Maybe I have to find contentment in myself instead of looking for my successes instead of measuring it in my failures.
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