well, it's easier to be numb when the hope's gone. 

you can sink down with your pride and find it cold to hold.

but your heart has finally shut up - broken in the corner 

your brain is quiet

but the memories are flooding around you.

making you smile through the tears. 

i did this, i get to live with it.

i get to hold myself together.

but for now i'll lay here

and just wish to forget. 

Cycles

Couldn't sleep last night.
So....
I drank two cups of coffee and had three diet cokes-
Now I can't sleep again.

What is it with me and destructive cycles lately?



But no really- can't sleep.
Discovered Spotify. .
Fuck.

Just me.

I'm kind of awesome.
Let's just admit it.
Sure I have no rhythm
And I can't sing in tune to save my life.
Oh, and maybe I can never get my hair to fall the right way.
But when I smile, it lights up the room.
I can save friends money on the electric bill
and I laugh easily and freely at myself.
I might be a little lazy and yea I don't share very well.
But I give things for no other reason than to give
And I always try to say and do the right thing instead of what i should do.
I jump in with both feet without looking
and I cry like a girl.
But I can be beautiful in the right lighting
and I can write a mean word when the muses are with me.
I'm too judgemental and I talk about myself way too much.
But I try my best.

So, maybe I have my flaws.
I'm a sore winner but I'll lose to see someone smile.
I can walk and experience the world and just know its a good thing.
I can hold a friend's hand and I can wish the best for someone I've never met.
I steal the blankets and I can't sit through a horror movie.
And I learned how to love a man but not how to let go.
You can read my every thought on my face
Everyone knows when I'm not really there.
I wish I could sleep in
and I like to dream because it's easier than living.
But I wake up and remember how lucky I am to be here right now.
I hug my friends and I tell them I love them.
I'm passionate, selfish, and stubborn.
But I can cook a mean chili and I can read a book in a day.
I can't quote movies or understand football calls.
And I obsess and worry and overanalyze
But I also forgive and forget.
And I fuck up and stick my foot in my mouth
But it's a cute mouth and it's warm.
I'm accident prone and average.
But I'm the best person I know how to be.
I know what I want out of life.
I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
So that way I don't miss out on any of the wonders tucked on the side of the road.
Like you.

5 Random Thoughts of the Day

1. 
He broke it and he left it where it lay.

Her fault.

Shouldn't have given it away.

2. 
 So maybe you don't miss me.
But you're missing out.

3.
Doors don't knock,.
Phones don't ring.
But I keep hoping they will.
Because then you might be coming back to me.

4.
Two
Weeks.
Two
Hearts.
Too
Long.

5.
I need to know how to live my life as its meant to be.

Truth

I miss you.

On the River

I love my job.                                           

                                                                    

 So do my friends.

Celebrating the beauty of Chattanooga, I rounded up the gang to head to The River Inn where we enjoyed a lovely dinner on the Tennessee River.

There was only one catch- we were filming some shots...which meant a lot of Hurry Up and Wait. 

So, yes, you have the delicious Herb Chicken and Beef Marsala, Shrimp, Tortellini, and Caesar salad. 

Not to mention the beer and wine we smuggled in. 

(Beer actually looks a lot like watered down sweet tea when poured in a wine glass. Go figure.)

It was a basic shoot, eat when the camera was rolling, stop when the directors yelled cut. 

Luckily for us, we were not the table that was chosen to have the food delivered to them on every take. 

Which meant we were actually allowed to eat in between takes.

Well...kind of.

You see, you couldn't eat too much or you would find yourself with an empty or unbalanced plate- which would look weird on camera. So, we had to improvise. 

Since it was a small shoot, the caterers didn't bother with too much food. They obviously don't know my group...because sure, we were the last in line the first go around. But when everyone else sat and stared morosely at their food....our task force of dedicated foodies ran back around the building, smuggled out another plateful of deliciousness and brought it back to the table at great risk to their person.

Well, no not really but still- it was impressive. 

Being in the background of the shoot, we had to come up with a few other ways to eat and still keep the plates looking appetizing. Thus, the bread cover. You'd carve out a slice of bread- and eat the rest of it- leaving it looking like a full roll when it actually was little more than the end piece with some hanging left over. 

This was used to great success by the females of the table. 

Other tactics included the push around, which involved spreading out different parts of your plate so it appeared full, the desserts hidden on the napkin next to your plate, which were bite size deliciousness. (Oreo Brownie Truffle Bites- How I Miss You) and the water pour. 

Well, I never really got the water pour, despite me draining my diet coke and looking earnestly at the staff to refill my cup. No, they instead pretended to pour into Rach's and Shell's already very full glasses. The downside of having my back to the camera I suppose, but still. Can't help a girl out?  

My group of kids is a fantastic bunch- which means plenty of dirty jokes during Action, awkward moments during the cuts, and a whole lot of planning how to go get more food.

All in all, it was a lot of fun, free food, and some good times on the beautiful riverside porch of River Inn. 

With that said, come see Chattanooga.  

What more do you want from me???

I uploaded almost 120 pictures to Facebook today. You can have these.

Tuesday = Brewsday

 I'm going to be lazy and not write anything. Instead enjoy some other people's creative talent

Thought of the Week

.

Song of the Week

Word of the Week: 

Jaundiced 

And yet with jaundiced eye I gaze upon all the beauty and wonder about me, and with jaundiced brain consider the pitiful figure I cut in this world that endured so long without me and that will again endure without me.

-- Jack London, John Barleycorn

 

 

 

Video of the Week

 

 

 

 

Picture of the Week

H

(It's a Pug in a Blanket)

I Hate White Rabbits!

Eagerly anticipating our weekend getaway, the six casual campers bought some food, packed some warm clothes, and loaded up the mountain bikes.

We just forgot to reserve a camping spot in the most beautiful October weekend in memory.

So, after the driving, the searching, the slight panic...we found ourselves setting up on the edge of the lake in Fairview in Tims Ford State Park.

As the night grew darker (and colder!), the group began to set up camp. A ring of camp chairs steadily grew around the fire pit and the three tents rose, the sleeping bags were unfurled, and the girls all put on numerous layers of sweats, knits, and wool socks. While the guys pulled out the hot dogs, we cracked open the s'mores.

Hmmmmmm. S'mores.....

I know you are already thinking to yourselves- God, I want some s'mores. But wait, think of the beers- Oh, I forgot, no alcohol in state parks. Well, that's why my group passed on the beer and decided to just drink Bravos.  Not beers. Bravos. And if you called it by the forbidden word- you just have to finish your Bravo.

It's not a drinking game. 

It's not.

So, I'm not really an outdoors kind of girl. Sure, I'll cut a worm in half and bait it on a hook, rub some dirt across my face, and squat in the woods- okay, no. I won't squat in the woods. I'll hold it until I get to the visitors centers very nice (very clean!) bathrooms. But I will attempt to camp.                                       

Which means blowing up the air pad- and somehow end up blowing a hole in it which sounded remarkably like a gunshot echoing across the water. 

And attempting to chop wood, and scaring the daylights out of the people watching you attempt to chop the wood, miss, and be very close to burying the ax into your shin. 

Or snuggling up in sleeping bag, knit hat, fleece jacket, and sweat pants and waking up in the middle of the night to notice a spider had also become very comfortable as well.

 So, crawling out of bed wasn't my favorite, nor was the Arctic ice shower, but the food, y'all.
 

Luckily, our resident cook Matt was on hand to cook us some of the best food you have ever tasted on a camping trip. We had chili hot dogs, juicy hamburgers, sausage, bacon, and biscuits, not to mention the gourmet praline and chocolate chip pancakes.

Needless to say, we ate well but we worked for our food. Between Kevin keeping the fire alive with his expert boy scout expertise or Tad's endless supply of food stocks- we were set. The ladies merely had to do the dishes, make the S'mores, and eat the food.

Well, now that I'm done waxing poetic on our food and camp site, I can actually mention some of the things we did in between all that eating.   The boys decided to bike the eight miles to the Tims Ford State Park and I like a toddler decided "me too!"

The boys were kind, stopping at various side streets as I labored behind, pumping my legs, cursing at my lack of athletic abilities and wishing like hell there was a downhill ahead. My inner playlist included "I Believe I Can Fly", "Fly Like an Eagle", and "Benny and the Jets"- I'm not sure where that last one came in but it was fun to sing.

We arrived, ate some more food, and then let the boys go on a bike ride while we walked the dogs behind them. My rear end was increasingly grateful that I had not completely lost my mind and we enjoyed our stroll to Weaver's Point, stopping occasionally to let the dogs play in the water or force them to take cheesy photos with us.

Mostly we let them play, sniff, and explore and continued to make up what they were thinking in their mind- while the guys biked ahead only to return to us highly disappointed that Weaver's Point was a turn around and not much else.

But before we could head to the next trail, I found a jungle gym and made everyone come play with me.

We jumped off swings, tight roped, climbed up poles, and rode bikes down the slides. We are basically the reason they don't let adults on playgrounds with children.

We'd give them ideas.





Well, after that, we explored the Lost Creek for a while. The gang got to run across a hanging bridge, wash the pee off their feet when Rocky decided that was good of a spot as any, and skip rocks across the sunset rippling across the lake's surface.

All in all, it was the most beautiful Fall weekend, spent with my favorite people on this Earth. You couldn't walk past the water without pausing to watch the autumn colors swaying in the wind or look to your left at your laughing friends and think of how lucky you are to be here, now, at this moment and outside living a life worth living.

Sure there's was fatigue, mild uncomfortableness, griping, and a sincere wish for a hot shower. But there was something immensely gratifying about knowing I could do all of these things- maybe not well- but that I could do it, enjoy it, and look back on it in the future as one of those rare perfect getaways where everything was how it is meant to be.

 

There's a few more pictures behind the cut...

To be honest...

I want a best friend who I can be myself around, dance around the room like an idiot, read a book with, and cook breakfast in bed for.

I want someone to buy little things for, ask how their day was, and give massages to after a long day.

I want someone to take romantic pictures with, someone to cuddle with during a movie, and hold hands when out walking by ourselves.

I want flowers for no reason, notes tucked in odd places with inside jokes scrawled on them, hot looks and silent understanding. 

I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful when I wake up in the morning, kiss me good night, and share a blanket with when its cold. 

I want to say I love you every time I see him smile, take care of him in the bad times, and laugh with him in the good. 

I want to travel together, experience new things, and grow old and have kids roll their eyes and groan, "Stop flirting with each other, that's gross".

That's what I want in five, ten, twenty years.

I want someone to love me.