330- Letter To Self

Inspired by a passing comment overheard at a local Starbucks.

      "My shrink said I should stop talking to other people about my breakup and start talking to myself about it."

Dear Self,

       As you know, it is has been four months since the breakup. I would like to take this opportunity to express my deep condolences. I know it was a deep loss. Please accept my well wishes as you take this time to grieve.

         However. After four months of self pity, painful memories, and wishful thinking, I would also like to take this time and tell you to move the fuck on with your life. Really, it's not acceptable for a thirty something old woman to be so hung up on a single man. Pardon the cliche, but there are other fish in the sea. Sure they might not be as attractive or lack that charming sense of compassion that can make you smile after a bad day but if you stop being so god darn picky, you may be pleasantly surprised!

            Please don't misunderstand and run off with the next creep that winks at you in the bar or the "straight" guy who wants to go to the dance production of Cats next weekend. I wouldn't be able to associate with you anymore in that case and you don't want to become one of those women. 

       Stop checking your text messages and his twitter account religiously. That's borderline stalking. If you want a hobby, take up Zumba or volunteer at a pet adoption facility. In fact, take a vacation from social media all together and get back to you. I understand that  its easier to hide in the Ben and Jerry pint than go out alone on a Tuesday night- but please. Think of that new dress that you have waiting in the closest. It's not its fault that you have no where to wear it to. Don't punish the dress.

        And please stop kidding yourself about you guys being friends still. You cannot love a man, live with him for a year, have sex in the back of his pickup at the abandoned drive in under a full moon and be friends with him right after you both decide to take some time and see other people. I say this as your closest possible friend- there's no way you can want to see other people if you really love each other. You both knew it wasn't meant to be and you both wanted to spare the other as much pain as possible. Perhaps in a year or so you can salvage a friendship.

         But for now, he's moved on. For good. And not just that spring fling with the blond from Washington. You know the one who looks like she doesn't know how to multiply but is actually the Swiss Ambassador's Personal Assistant with a background in Political Sciences from Oxford? Yea. And you thought he ended that because he wasn't over you yet.

Ha.

           Don't start crying again, babe. You've yo-yo-ed enough over this whole situation and I personally cannot believe you sent him a card for what would have been your third year anniversary. I mean, come on. You don't say the love word for two years and you think you can send it in a card three months after you break up? Seriously?

           Take my advice. I know you love him and you would do anything if it could just work out. But here's the sad truth- things like this don't just work out. If people are supposed to be together, they would find a way- not drag it out in an attempt to save the other person from themselves. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't be the first one to be thrilled if it worked out between you two, but I also know you had your issues while together and you can't change a man. Despite what all your happily married friends say- their husbands didn't quit smoking, going to strip clubs, and spending too much money on electronics. You and I both know that.

             So, take a breath, stop looking in the mirror and seeing an aging soon to be cat woman staring back at you. You barely look thirty and you don't like cats so at best you'll just be the cool lady next door who has an awesome collection of vintage records. And maybe it'll be a while before the next man comes into your life, but don't worry too much about that. You don't need a man to valdiate you. Just do what you do at the parking garage downtown- smile, use that southern charm routinue, and if all else fails put down the twenty dollars to get out of the damn thing.

           What I'm trying to say is that you are completely fine alone. No one thinks less of you and - although you might not realize it-you don't think less of yourself either. You're just lonely and little things like a cold side of the bed next to you and a silent apartment aren't the worse things that are going to happen to you. You could get bitten in the face by a dog or something random like that.


              You'll get through this but you need to snap out of it sooner rather than later. It's been long enough and we're all kind of sick of hearing about it. Sure you do a good job of keeping a stiff upper lip but your acting sucks and we totally know you're depressed all the time. Depressed people aren't fun to deal with. No one likes a sad clown. No one likes clowns period so sad clowns are particularly bad.

            Again, sorry about the break up.


                      With Warmest Regards,
                                            You


PS: Stop biting your nails. It's gross.