357- Give It Up

Setting: A small restaurant in Mexico

Alice enters and looks around, trying not to look at the bartender staring at her. She is dressed in a skirt suit and high heels and is very out of place in the back road hole in the wall over the border. Her whole posture screams discomfort. She spots Jesse coming out of the bathroom

Alice: Excuse me? Sir?

Jesse: Me?

Alice: Hi, yes, I was wondering if you could help--my car just got a flat and I’m afraid I’m completely lost. Plus, my phone doesn’t get reception out here and I was just wondering if you could help me out.

Jesse: Is there something wrong with your eyes?

Alice: My eyes? No, of course not. Why?

Jesse: Oh, it looked like you had something in them. A weird glint or something. Must have been the light. Max, another one.

Max: No way, Jose.

Jesse: Come on man, you and I both know I’m your only customer and its either you don’t feed the goat you call wife tonight or you pour me another shot.

Max: No way, Jose.

Alice: Excuse me, um…Jose, if you could just-

Jesse: My name’s not Jose.

Alice: Oh, I’m sorry, he called you Jose and I figured…

Jesse: You figured wrong.

Alice: Right. Well, do you think you could help me? I have a spare in the trunk and I was running late-

Jesse: Miss, as you can see I’m terribly busy at the moment. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.

Alice: Are you serious?

Jesse: I’m sure one of the many other patrons may be more than happy to help. Ask them.

Alice: I don’t speak Spanish…

Jesse: Neither do they.

Alice: But-

Jesse: Hey Max, want to go change a tire?

Max: No way, Jose. (This strikes Max as extremely funny and he dissolves into laughter)

Jesse: And that is why he calls everyone Jose. It’s his one pleasure in life.

Alice: Look, do you have a phone here?

Max: No way, Jose.

Jesse: He has one but its for customers only.

Alice: Okay, can I have a glass of water with lemon?

Jesse: Let me translate, Max. She’ll have what I’m having.

Alice: No, I’d like-

Jesse: Do you or do you not know better than to drink water or anything else that is not already sterile in the land of the sun? Because I’m sure you wouldn’t want to ruin that nice little skirt or the lace panties you have underneath it.

Alice: I don’t-!
Jesse: Excuse me, the scrap of fabric that is substituting for a piece of underwear. No VPL so I’m guessing it’s a thong.

Max: On the house!

Alice: But I thought I needed to buy something to use the phone?

Max: Free of charge!

Jesse: He has no idea what he’s saying. He learned English phrases from watching Cheers. He called me Norm for weeks.

Alice: And now it’s Jose?

Jesse: Yea, I kind of miss being Norm.

Alice: You aren’t going to help me, are you?

Jesse: Why should I?

Alice: Well…because it’d be the right thing to do. I mean I would really appreciate it and it’s not like it’s something I can do by myself or I would.

Jesse: You can’t change a tire?

Alice: No, it’s never really been an issue.

Jesse: You mean you had daddy or the flavor of the week to bail you out?

Alice: Triple A.

Jesse: Of course. Let me guess, you have a GPS system.

Alice: Yea.

Jesse: So, that’s why you’re completely stuck out in the middle of nowhere in a strange country?

Alice: It kept “recalculating”…like it was judging me! “Turn lef-…recalculating. At next light, make u-turn….”(Alice sighs in stage exasperation) recalculating…”

Jesse: You do that pretty good.

Alice: Yea, well I’ve been stuck with that and a scratched mixed CD for the past hundred miles.

Jesse: Mixed CD?

Alice: That would be the last guy’s attempts to show me his sensitive side. Apparently the mixed CD with a rose is the code to all women’s legs. Here’s music, now give it up.

Max: On the house?

Jesse: She’ll have a double.

Alice: So, not-Jose or Norm, where is the phone in this establishment?

Jesse: Back there. To the left and if you don’t get a signal, just hit it around a few times and threaten to replace it with a fax machine, it usually clicks on if it feels threatened enough.

She exits to make a call and a silence as both Jesse and Max continue their respective things.

Max: Alright Jose?

Jesse: Max, have I told you lately how bad your cooking is?

Alice returns.

Max: Diane!

Alice: You know, I always thought it would be really welcoming and heart warming for people to always know your name.

Jesse: Annoying as fuck, isn’t it?

Alice: Actually, it is. Phone was dead. I threatened it but it must have liked the idea of being a tuna can opener.

Jesse: No originality. Max, my man, help the woman out? (He points outside and Max shuffles over to the door, looks out, nods in understanding, and turns to Alice to collect her keys before going outside)

Alice: Is he…?

Jesse: He’s good with cars. His wife’s family owned a car shop apparently. He’ll get it fixed it up and get to say he touched a Italian sports car.

Alice: But it’s not.

Jesse: To him, it might as well be.

Alice: I’m Alice by the way.

Jesse: Fell down the rabbit hole, did you?

Alice: Like I haven’t heard that one before.

Jesse: Ah well, I thought it was terribly clever. Guess I haven’t drunk enough to make literary references yet.

Alice: It’s not even noon.

Jesse: And you can tell time as well! Brilliant, I can see how you can afford to scuff your Jimmy Choos in the sand of Mexico. Now, tell me. Do you fall into the office bitch, witch, or sex kitten category?

Alice: You try to be as much as an asshole as possible to everyone or just Americans?

Jesse: I don’t really try. I’m guessing sex kitten. It’s the hair, too blonde and wavy. Not severe enough for the bitch type.

Alice: Alright, is it my turn?  You fucked something up, ran away, and now you live in a bar in the middle of the god forsaken desert and have no interest in helping anyone if it interrupts your relationship with the bottle.

Jesse: Excuse me, Ivy League, but this is a shot glass. Not a bottle. Difference.

Alice: What’s your name?

Jesse: Why does it matter?

Alice: Just curious.

Jesse: If everybody just minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.

Alice: Don’t give me that Chesire grin. You can quote Alice in Wonderland, I get it. You can’t even tell me your name or tell me about yourself? Favorite drink? Reason you’re in a bar in Mexico at eleven in the morning?

Jesse: I can’t explain myself, because I’m not myself, you see.

Max: Senorita.  

Max mimes that the car is fixed. Jesse regards him with amusement and at the end of the pantomime bursts into applause.

Jesse: Well done, my good man. You’re mime skills have greatly approved. Another few years and we’ll make a name for ourselves out here. Mexico is ripe for the mime field. Don’t you agree, Miss Alice?

Alice: Gracias, Senor. And Norman Jose?

Jesse: Yea?

Alice: Give it up. The whole loner hiding out in the wilderness doesn’t look good on you. I’m sure whatever your hiding from isn’t as bad as you’ve made it to be.

Jesse: And leave Max? Never.

Alice: Figured. Thanks for the company.

Jesse: Alice?

Alice: Yes?

Jesse: Go straight for another hour and then take a left at the next town. It’ll take you back to the border.

Alice: Thanks Jose.

Max thinks this is incredibly funny and bursts into laughter, repeating Thanks Jose in between gulps of air and laughter. Jesse stares out after Alice long after the sound of the car has receded.

Jesse: It’s Jesse.  

He goes back to drinking and leaves Max still highly amused and repeating his little joke. Its almost as if nothing has happened and the only evidence of the encounter is the empty glass on the bar with lipstick smeared on it.