Valerie: You know what sucks?
Brooke: The fact that you passed that class without ever attending a single lecture?
Valerie: Bitterness dear. It’s catching.
Brooke: Shut up you whore.
Valerie: You know, I’m glad I know you don’t mean that. Otherwise I’d curl up in the bath with a bottle of cheap wine and the latest Danielle Steel novel.
Brooke: One time. One lousy time.
Valerie: Yea, well next time don’t lock me out of my bathroom.
Brooke: Next time don’t drink your weight in water in an attempt to cleanse out your last boyfriend.
Valerie: At least I don’t have to get a colonoscopy to do that.
Brooke: ONE TIME.
Valerie: I swear, you let any guy with a nose piercing stick it wherever he wants.
Brooke: Including your underwear drawer.
Valerie: Sick, Brooke. Sick.
Brooke: Okay, what sucks?
Valerie: You.
Valerie: You.
Brooke: Other than me, the vacuum, and your brother.
Valerie: Hah hah. The three day rule is a stupid invention.
Brooke: Why do you obsess? You didn’t even really know if you were into that guy!
Valerie: I know! But I mean…
Brooke: You have him pick you up, take you out, pour you some cheap wine and still fail to seal the deal. And you wonder why he didn’t call.
Valerie: Just because I didn’t kiss him on the first date-
Brooke: Val. You are a college graduate, for fuck’s sake, kissing a man on the first date is not seen as loose behavior. In fact, I believe it’s been regulated to being a tease to hold out on a man after he pays for two meals…
Valerie: I don’t owe him physical gratification for my dinner!
Brooke: Why the hell not? Isn’t that how the male female relationship developed? Men did not learn to hunt on their own. Somewhere, some cave woman realized that if she let the hairy thing with a inflatable stick touch her breast, he’d give her food. She wouldn’t have to leave the fire and he would pass out after groping her for a few minutes leaving her with the food.
Valerie: Seriously, why are you a history major?
Brooke: BUT as they grew smarter, they started to guilt us into more gratification. So, we tricked them into giving us the meat first. And now its called a date. Simple.
Valerie: Doesn’t explain the three day rule.
Brooke: I blame that on the fact that a sexually sated man doesn’t desire sex immediately. Takes him a few days to decide he wants it again.
Valerie: Something’s wrong with you.
Brooke: It’s called a vagina. I blame all women’s bipolar confused uncertainty on this one organ. If its not cramping and bleeding, we are pregnant and about to have the rest of our lives ruined.
Valerie: I need you to sympathize for a minute.
Brooke: He’ll call.
Valerie: Ugh, I should never have started talking about sex in the car!
Brooke: You DID WHAT?
Brooke: You DID WHAT?
Valerie: I know. I don’t even know how I got on the subject but we were discussing threesomes…
Brooke: Are you fucking serious, Val? You are not me! You can’t just whip out the threesome talk! It’s not how it goes! Next you’re going to tell me you texted him to tell him you had a great time….oh god val!
Valerie: I was just thanking him!
Brooke: Have I taught you nothing?
Valerie: Well, I didn’t get to show him the one move with the-
Brooke: Okay. That’s it. I’m chaperoning all future events. Men do not want a sweet charming beautiful woman to bring up sex on the first date!
Valerie: But you-
Brooke: I am NOT a charming woman, I am a slut and I admit that. Thus, good guys like the dork you brought in here the other night is not interested in my charms, he’s interested in the good girls like yourself that show that wild side when they’re ready for it. You can’t just whip out your imitation of me in heat when you try to be sexy.
Valerie: I wasn’t trying-
Brooke; Val you are as sexy as the Coppertone baby.
Valerie: Gee thanks Brooke…
Brooke: Shit Val, a threesome? Bet he blushed to the roots of his naturally curly hair…
Valerie: He said he had a good time…
Brooke: They all say that.
Valerie: Maybe the guys you date.
Brooke: What’s that supposed to mean?
Valerie: God! I try to vent and you make it all about you!
Brooke: Oh, my apologies, you call me a whore and I make it all about me!
Valerie: Forget it.
Brooke: Forget you.
Brooke: Forget you.
Valerie: Don’t try to smart ass me.
Brooke: I can out ass anything on you!
Valirie: Fat ass!
Brooke: Flat ass!
Valerie: Smut snatcher!
Brooke: Cat lady!
Valerie: Alcoholic desperate single female seeks vibrator!
Brooke: Can you remove the stick up your ass or could you use some help, you plain Jane?
*A shrill ringing interrupts the two of their bickering*
Brooke: Hey, its Colin!
Valerie: Should I answer it?
Brooke: Hello, Val’s phone….oh hello Colin…yes she is, one second. It’s for you.
Valerie: Hello? Oh hi!....Um, yea sounds great…..okay see you then….bye…
Brooke: Friday?
Valerie: 7:00
Brooke: Dinner?
Valerie: Italian.
Brooke: My black dress?
Valerie: With the red heels.
Brooke: Lets see if we can find that bra that makes your boobs look bigger.
Valerie: Love you.
Brooke: Love you more.
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